Posts tagged Anger

There two types of people in this world: those that walk on egg shells around their spouse, and those that do not. Where do these phrases come from anyway? Have you ever tried walking on egg shells? It is a great way to spread Salmonella. Who needs that? I get the idea, egg shells are easily broken so one has to tread lightly. I think if a person actually tried to walk on egg shells without breaking one it would be an exercise in futility. The tiniest bit of weight and they will shatter…..well….like eggshells. It is the same living with a person that is easily angered, the slightest amount of pressure and out comes a heaping helping of hatred.

So what is it like in your marriage? Is there one or both of you that is doing their best to avoid cracking egg shells? Maybe it is time we pull back and examine our marriage in this area, because a great number of relationships deal with too much anger being present or it is expressed in inappropriate ways. Let’s take an honest look at our lives. Asking your spouse if you have an anger problem really doesn’t work. They might not answer honestly, because they are walking on egg shells, remember? The truth is, however, egg shells have no business in a healthy relationship. Sure, we will all get mad at our spouse sometimes and vice versa. We are human. We make mistakes. We act insensitively at times. We leave our socks out over and over after we have been repeatedly reminded not too. Couples are going to get mad at each other sometime; it simply goes with the territory. But, if anger is like the third member of your family, maybe it is time to address the issue.

The apostle Paul reminds us what it means to love our spouse. Remember, love is patient and kind. It does not envy, nor is it boastful or conceited. It never acts improperly, it is not selfish. Love is not easily provoked. That is to say, love is not touchy or edgy. Love means that your spouse doesn’t have to worry every day whether you will come home happy or hating the world.

I know it is tempting to push back and say, “I am not an angry person. I don’t have an anger problem.” I hope that is true, but I have come to learn that more people deal with anger that one might think. Anger is so insidious. Often, everyone knows that a person has an anger problem but the person with the problem. Every month I teach a class on anger management. It is amusing, because at the beginning of the class everyone introduces themselves and tells why they are in the class. Just about every person adds the caveat, “I don’t have an anger problem.” By the end of the class, about 90% of the people there change that. For the first time they realize they do have a problem with anger, that is why they have been made to take the class!  The other 10% walk out the door happily in denial. They go home and their spouse is back to the egg shells.

A lot of people will label anger as something bad or sinful. Yet, there is nothing wrong with anger. Anger is a God created emotion. It is what we do with anger that makes it sinful. Sometimes we have the right to be angry, but we have to handle that anger correctly. People that are edgy, touchy, snippy, or outright explosive are not dealing with their anger appropriately.

Anger is what is called a secondary emotion. It usually masks other emotions that a person does not feel safe expressing. For example, it is entirely easier to bombard someone with anger than it is to admit feeling disappointed, hurt, lonely, or scared. So often, couples will assault the other person verbally with a barrage of anger in order to avoid discussing their real issue, whether consciously or unconsciously. For the person that is easily provoked, it is important to pull back the layers and ask, “What is really at the root of my anger?” This will not solve the problem, but it allows the real problem to actually be worked on.

Love is not easily provoked. In fact, love is patient, remember? If we find that we are constantly angry or our spouse continually reminds us that we are short and touchy, then maybe it is time to look deep. Maybe it is time to dig down and find out where the anger is coming from. Maybe it is time to have a difficult conversation. A household without broken eggshells is a much happier place to live.

[Anger] devours almost all other good emotions. It deadens the soul. It numbs the heart to joy and gratitude and hope and tenderness and compassion and kindness. –John Piper

Walk good. Live wise. Be blessed.
Josh