Posts tagged Love
Marriage Monday: The Case of the Crummy Husband
2May 13, 2013
Another Mother’s Day has come and gone. Moms are a big deal. We should make sure they are celebrated more than one Sunday a year because moms (Most moms that is. I work with mother’s every now and then that don’t deserve any celebration.) shoulder incredibly responsibilities. So to all the mothers and soon-to-be mothers we salute you. Let’s have a moment of silence for all the amazing mothers……….Alright, moment over.
My wife is no exception. She is an amazing mom to our two kids. If she got a nickel for every hour of missed sleep because of our kids, she could buy us a small island in the tropics. This mother’s day was her third one to celebrate. For her first mother’s day I bought her this amazing leather bound photo book of our son with captions to her from him on each page. When she got it, she went straight to ugly cry. It was a case of daddy success!
Each year you have to step up your game a little. So guess what I got her for mother’s day last year? You ready for this? Absolutely nothing. In retrospect, I don’t know what I was thinking. I wish I could say I forgot about the holiday, but I new it was coming. I wish I could say I had the flu, but I was as healthy as a Clydesdale. I wish I could say anything other than the flimsy excuse I gave. Here was my excuse “I didn’t get a chance to do anything.”
It’s certainly true that I was extremely busy at that time. I had a lot going on. There were dozens of irons in the fire that I was juggling. Yet, Mother’s day comes around the same time every year. I knew it was coming. I had good intentions. I planned to do something, at some point, eventually.
My wife doesn’t particularly care about having expensive gifts. She just likes to feel thought about and cared for. She likes to know that I took a few seconds of my time to think about her and communicate that I care for her. So when Mother’s Day came last year, she was naturally disappointed. She felt underappreciated, and rightly so! I had good intentions, but never acted on them.
Have you ever noticed we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions, but we usually judge others by their actions? In our marriages (and every other facet of life) our intentions don’t cut the mustard (whatever that means). Good intentions are pointless. Wives don’t feel appreciated by our good intentions. Romance doesn’t flourish through our good intentions.
Its’ so easy to give ourselves a pass because our intentions were good, and then get upset with our spouses when their actions fall short. So what am I saying? We need to be fair. We need to stop using our intentions as an excuse for not acting. We also need to cut our spouse some slack at times when their actions don’t meet our expectations. We need to judge ourselves by the same standards we judge our spouse. As the truisms go, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions and actions speak louder than words.” So how are your actions talking? Are you being intentional?
This year has been even busier than last year. Work has been extremely busy. We added another baby to the mix. We are close to finishing a house. The end of school fell right on Mother’s day for me. I could whine on and on, but you get the picture. It’s busy. You can relate. You are busy too. Right? Yet this year I decided not to cop out with my “good intentions.” I decided to act. I even tried to go the extra mile and redeem myself. This year she got another photo book and some Vera Bradley (which I hear is like Lisa Frank for grown ups).
Walk good. Live wise. Be blessed.
Josh
Marriage Monday: Kill Your Wife Daily
0May 6, 2013
Alright, admit it, the title to this blog made you want to come read it, right? What could this post possibly be about? Kill your wife? Seriously? Yup, it’s the best thing for her. Well, how do you kill someone more than once? Isn’t that impossible? No, but it’s a necessity for a healthy marriage. But it doesn’t come naturally to us guys (at least it doesn’t for most men I have known, including myself).
You see, men are hunters. We like to chase things. We are up for a good challenge. We like to set goals, devise plots plans, execute those plans flawlessly and drag the trophy home. Its just how we work. We get laser-focused intensity on a single target and we go for it with gusto. Carpe Diem!
Ladies, let me ask you, how many different hobbies has your husband had? More than one? Several you say? Why is that? Because we get interested in something, read every detail there is to know about it, try to do it as many ways as possible, make sure we are better at it than any of our friends, perfect it, and then we are done. Once we make the kill, that is, once we master it, we move on. As an aside, the reason guys play golf for decades without ever losing interest is because it’s so incredibly difficult to master the game. The challenge keeps us going back to get frustrated that we can’t put a tiny, two inch, white ball into a four inch hole.
So how does this relate to marriage? Think about the first time you saw your wife gentlemen. Your radar went off, you focused, and you accepted the challenge. She became the hunted. It became your mission to catch this wonderfully beautiful (I am assuming she was beautiful, I understand that some ladies just have good personalities, and that’s alright. But she had better be beautiful to you. Get me?) creature. So you began to study her. You spent late nights on the phone. You spent money on frivolous items. You did things that you never expected to do. You did whatever it took to “catch” the person you are married to. Congratulations, you made “the kill” and you “dragged” her home (hopefully not kicking and screaming) to live with you.
The question is, what happens next? Now that the thrill of the hunt is over what are you doing? For many men, once they make “the kill” they move on to hunt something else such as a career, hobby, or having the nicest manicured lawn in the neighborhood. This is not how it should be, however. Marriage isn’t a one-time kill. That is, the hunt never ends. Think of marriage as a catch-and-release-then-hunt-what-you-let-go type of endeavor.
When you stop hunting your wife and fail to do many of the things that let her know you appreciate her, a natural drift occurs. Other things start to seem more important than your relationship. I get it guys, life gets busy after the “I do’s”, especially when you add some kids to the mix, but if you don’t have a good marriage it soils all the other areas of your life. As the saying goes, happy wife, happy life. Hunt her daily.
We are reminded in Genesis 2:24, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” The word “united” is the Hebrew word dabaq. It means to catch by pursuit or to pursue hard with affection and devotion. That is our calling guys, to pursue our wives daily with sincere affection.
How are we doing here? I am sure we have good intentions, but good intentions won’t make our wives feel loved or cherished, will they? We have to hunt daily. Continually be a student of our wives, remind them the how much we care about them, and invest significantly in their lives.
Walk good. Live wise. Be blessed.
Josh
Who Cares What You Know?
0May 1, 2013
by Josh Fults
in Apologetics
For the Christian, Apologetics is a necessity. In the pluralistic, hodge-podge-of-beliefs culture that we live in, one must always be ready with an answer. The Christian is ever presented with ideas that attempt to challenge the credibility of theism or cast Christianity in a disparaging light. Indeed, to say that apologetics is important would be an understatement. It does much to bolster the faith of the believer, while empowering them to share their faith. It also serves as pre-evangelism because it tears down false ideas that might obstruct the truth in someone’s mind.
Granted, some believers feel a greater calling to invest themselves more heavily when it comes to defending the Christian faith, but all believers should be prepared to give an adequate defense of their faith in Christ, theologically, historically, and philosophically. If one cannot articulate and defend their own beliefs, it places them on uneven, or even shifting, ground when it comes to sharing their faith with others. Worse, their own faith may be shaken when presented with evidence by skeptics or when life deals them something unsettling.
Yet, when it comes to developing one’s defense it is easy to be lazy. Giving a strong apologetic requires much study, thought, and discussion. I think we can all say that it is easy to be lazy in this area. Yet, thankfully, many Christians rigorously devote themselves to defending the truth of Christianity. It is here, that we need to be reminded that the hard working apologist that is diligent to study can also find himself being lazy, relationally lazy.
Sometimes, it is hard to find the balance. Apologetics is not just a cognitive endeavor; it is intended to be a highly relational pursuit. The idea behind apologetics is to know truth, understand that truth to one’s best capacity, grow in the faith (both intellectually and experientially), build close relationships with others, and present that truth to them within the context of that relationship.
In many ways, Christianity has gotten relationally sloppy. We make evangelism a cognitive exercise. “Just present the truth.” “If they don’t like the truth that is there problem.” “They just don’t want to hear the truth.” These sorts of phrases smack of laziness. Sure, sometimes the truth is uncomfortable, but it is bearable, even if disagreeable, within the context of a close relationship. Within apologetics, one is forced to walk a tightrope between truth and love. We are reminded in Ephesians 4:15 to present truth, coupled with love. Truth and love are inextricably linked together and find their ultimate expression within the confines of close relationships with the people around us.
The apologist will find that his efforts yield meager results outside of sharing truth with love within close relationships. As a matter of fact, 71% of individuals who come to know Christ say that it was due to the efforts of an individual, and less than .05% came to know Christ through tracts, radio, or television. We cannot strictly make apologetics a cognitive endeavor and marginalize the relational significance.
The apologist has much to overcome if he wants the precious truth of Christianity to be heard. In 1996, 15% of unbelievers said they had a bad impression of Christianity. In 2007, those who viewed Christianity unfavorably leaped to 38%! That is a tremendously large shift in just 10 years!
We should note that 85% of non-church goers view Christianity as hypocritical while, get this, of people that do go to church, 47% say they believe Christianity is hypocritical! Only 20% of non-Christians believe that churches are loving environments, while less than 50% of church goers believe their church demonstrates unconditional love! This is a problem!
No one will listen to our truth unless they first see our love lived out daily in their lives. As Christians, and apologists, we have a lot to overcome before the truth even gets a hearing. And it is interesting, because people never had a problem with Jesus’ attitude or behavior, but there were certainly those who had a problem with his teachings and convictions. Today, there are those that resist Christianity due to the moral limitations it places on their lives, but I dare say a great many people push back due to the attitude and behavior of the Christian! Is it possible that Christianity needs an attitude adjustment and a reminder that Christianity is relational to its very core?
Here we should again look to the Apostle Paul. He writes in the familiar I Corinthians 13:1, “If I speak in the tonguesof men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” We may be well versed in scripture, be familiar with the right questions, and have our philosophy perfectly logically valid, but if we don’t have love for other people then we are just making noise. If we aren’t seriously investing into the lives of people around us we are just making a sound.
A cymbal sounds wonderful when crafted into a drum solo or song, but played repeatedly by itself it becomes increasingly annoying. As Christians, if our truth isn’t crafted into the context of strong relationships and presented with love, then we become annoying and affirm what many say about Christianity. That is a tragedy.
We must walk the tightrope well. Apologetics is certainly highly cognitive, but it is also incredibly relational! People will not care what we know until they legitimately believe that we care. Invest in people and speak the truth in love.
Walk good. Live wise. Be blessed.
Josh
Marriage Monday: The Beef Stew Axiom
0April 22, 2013
by Josh Fults
in Marriage
Years ago, some friends invited us over for dinner. We arrived early and visited for a while. As the evening moved forward our hostess announced, “We are having stew and cornbread for dinner.” I will be honest, going over to people’s houses for dinner always makes me a bit nervous. What will they be serving? I am generally not a picky person; nevertheless, there are certain dishes that my palate will turn up its nose at. I generally hope that peas, most beans, various forms of greens, and gamey tasting meat are not on the menu. My wife just hopes no meat is served on the bone.
It’s an awkward situation when you sit down to a meal prepared by friends that you absolutely hate. I have forced some nasty tasting meals down simply trying to be polite and show some etiquette. All that to say, that when our hostess announced stew and cornbread my mind breathed an inaudible sigh of relief. How I love stew and cornbread, so I ladled myself a heaping helping of stew and sat down to enjoy my dinner with some wonderful friends. As the first spoonful entered my mouth, a message was sent to my brain that said, “This taste horrible, we need to send it back out.” Luckily, my brain overrode the demands of my taste buds, and I choked it down. I rebuked myself mentally, “Idiot, you know to get a small bowl and do a test run before going whole hog on it.” Yet, my fate was sealed; I had to choke down most of that nasty stew.
Stew, how do you mess that up? What was the problem? The ingredients that went into it were the problem. It was filled with many things I don’t care for and it lacked any seasoning. To have a good stew, you need to put in some great ingredients. Now, you know this post is about marriage, and about right now you probably see what I am doing here. A marriage is only as good as what you put into it.
A lot of people want a wonderful marriage but neglect to put into it good, healthy ingredients. You have to invest in it. You have to push yourself to do things that don’t always feel natural. You have to have conversations that are not always comfortable. You have to celebrate the great success but also the tiny victories. You have to spend time communicating about important things and chatting about silly things that don’t make a difference. You have to laugh and weep together. You have to find time to take long walks and short drives. You have to put the kids early sometimes so you can watch a movie together. You have to send the other a message in the middle of the day. You have to be a support and friend. You have to deliver truth when it’s needed in love. You have to serve one another.
If you want to have a mouthwatering marriage then pay attention to what you’re putting into it. Are you taking the time to put in a variety of ingredients? Are they good and healthy ingredients? Because sometimes we put in things that are rotten and one rotten ingredient can ruin the whole dish. Are you adding spice and being creative?
We have a choice. We can concoct a bland, watery, dish marriage that you have to just choke down, or we can take the time to create a culinary masterpiece. It’s up to us, but it all boils down to what we put in it.
Walk good. Live wise. Be blessed.
Josh
What’s So Great About Marriage?
0April 8, 2013
by Josh Fults
in Marriage
Marriage is something incredibly complex, but also beautifully simple. It is the process of two separate people merging into one, yet retaining their individual identities. It has its highs and lows. It holds its share of joys and times of sadness. At times it is smooth sailing and yet other times the couple finds that the storms of life have lampooned them on the rocks.
There are those that view marriage as an archaic institution. Some look at marriage with a skeptical eye. Many have experienced a poor marriage of their own or were the product of a dysfunctional marriage growing up. Some see the divorce rate and decide against tying the knot, but choose instead to take a different approach to doing life with someone else. Yet, society would do well to remember that all forms of relationships are fraught with problems. Deciding not to get married does not mean you get to avoid the problems that are often a part of marriage. It simply means you have the same problems without the commitment, which at times, is the anchor that strangely holds people together.
Even though marriages have problems (which is because they are comprised of two individuals that have problems), the actual benefits of marriage is astounding. Marriage offers benefits in the areas of health, finances and longevity that no other forms of relationships offer.
Surprisingly, for myself, one of the biggest benefits of marriage is that it taught me an incredible amount about who I am. The ancient Greek philosopher Plato wrote that one should “know thyself.” Before marriage one should seek to have a good understanding of who they are, or they will lose their individual identity and potentially be resentful for this later. I believe, however, that one can only know his or her self to a certain degree before marriage because marriage does much to teach one about who they are, what they desire in life, their insecurities, shortcomings, and past hurts. Yes, marriage does indeed grow, stretch, and educate individuals about life.
But, as was previously said, there is a wealth of benefits from entering into a lifelong commitment through matrimony. On average, husbands and wives are more likely to live longer, healthier and happier lives than their single or cohabitating peers. Married men seem to boast the greatest health benefit from marriage, with single men have mortality rates that are 250% higher than married men and single women have mortality rates that are 50% higher than married women. Married men and women recover from illness quicker and more successfully than do those who are not married. Robert Coombs, a professor at UCLA states, “Virtually every study of mortality and marital status shows the unmarried of both sexes have higher death rates, whether by accident, disease, or self-inflicted wounds, and this is found in every country that maintains accurate health statistics.”
Married men and women have lowered risk of problems with mental health. Married couples report being happier than those who are not married. Married mothers have lower rates of depression than single or cohabitating mothers. Married men are half as likely to commit suicide as single men.
There are financial benefits to marriage as well. Married people earn more on average than do single people. Men are more successful at work, get higher appraisals on the job, and are more likely to get promoted. Married couples grow more wealth than do single people or cohabitating couples.
What about the sex? Married people have more sex than single or cohabiting men and women. Married individuals also report being more satisfied with their sex lives as well.
Marriage is also a safer place to be, with married women being at lower risk for domestic violence than single or cohabitating women. Married men are also less likely to be involved in violent crimes than single men.
Marriage is even good for society and children. It creates the emotional, social, and economic conditions needed for effective parenting. Children who have both parents living in the home are: 7 times less likely to live in poverty, six times less likely to commit suicide, less than half as likely to become pregnant, less than half as likely to commit crime and do better academically and socially. It also adjusts the lifestyles of individuals and alters their lives in ways that personally and socially beneficial.
We could go on discussing the benefits of marriage. The list is vast, but one can walk away with a picture of marriage that is vastly different than what is often portrayed. Marriage is a blessing. God had a specific purpose and intention when He designed the two to become one.
One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. –Judith Viorst
Walk good. Live wise. Be blessed.
Josh
Marriage Monday: What Do Women Want?
0April 1, 2013
I have heard a friend of mine often say, “Who can understand a woman, even on a good day?” I have often felt this same sentiment wash over me. Women are fascinating, and at times frustrating, to understand. We guys are easy, right ladies? I say that tongue in cheek. The question is often posed, what does it take to make a man happy? “Show up naked, bring food, and don’t block the TV.” Obviously, it isn’t that simple, but there is a kernel of the truth here. Yet, with women, the list doesn’t seem to be anywhere near that simple. In fact, many men are often baffled by their wives behaviors. Partly because many men are emotionally unintelligent and partly because the emotional lives of women are complex.
The Father of Psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, quipped, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not been to answer the great question: What does a woman want?” So what exactly do women want? What do we guys need to know? I don’t know how qualified I am to address this topic, but I thought I might take a stab at it. If nothing else, all the women that read this can tell me where I am wrong and help me better fill in the areas where I lack understanding.
I didn’t consult my wife for this blog, I thought that might be cheating in some way, so I will be curious for her to critique my thoughts as well. Some of my information comes from reading research, some comes from working with couples, and some comes from having lived with a woman. So, from the male perspective, here are what seem to be, many of the things women want.
First, I feel that the majority of women need to be reminded that they are valuable. They need to know that we need their presence in our lives. We must communicate how much we appreciate all the good, pleasant, and nice things they bring into our lives. Not only are our wives valuable for all the many things they do, but they are valuable for simply being who they are! We must remind them that they are incredibly valuable to us.
Second, they need to be heard. There is a difference in listening and hearing. A woman does not just want to be listened to, she wants to be heard. Hearing means we empathize. It means we validate their feelings. It means we give them feedback that we understand what they mean. Hearing does not mean we offer advice, unless it is solicited; it means we sit, hear their words, and show them that we care about what they are saying.
Third, women need to be respected. Respect ranks high on the list of what men need, but why should women be any different? In fact, everyone needs to be respected. Respect means that we honor the wishes of our wives. It means we don’t try to make them into someone or something they aren’t. When we respect our wives, we listen to their wisdom and never seek to manipulate them. We act in an honest way and treat them the way we would like to be treated. We include them in decisions because they are half of the relationship.
Fourth, women want to be secure. I did not say wealthy, I said secure. They want to feel safe. They want to know that we are planning and walking in wisdom. They want to know that the trip has a destination and that we are heading somewhere. Security involves planning. It involves denying what might be good in the present for what might be great down the road. When it comes to security, it means employing Dave Ramsey’s mantra of living like no one else now, so later, we can live like no one else. Women don’t just need financial security, they also need emotional security. There shouldn’t be any secrets. They should feel safe in being openly emotional with us. They should feel free to express whatever is on their hearts without fear of being demeaned or put down.
Fifth, women want to dream with their husbands. When my wife and I were dating, we often spent time sitting on a ledge overlooking a cliff, filled with plants and a gratuitous amount of butterflies. In those early days we dreamed about “having a ledge of our own.” We dreamed about kids, goals, and years filled with laughter. We still dream together. Sometimes we dream big, and sometimes they are small, modest dreams. I think women want to know that we envision a future that only has room for them. I think they want to be reminded that we only want them in our future.
Last, women want a husband that takes initiative spiritually. It’s easy to be a lazy spiritual leader. Yet, when we neglect the spiritual side of our marriages, we do so at great peril. I know many women that are forced to pick up the spiritual reigns in their family because the husband will not. This should not be so. Women need, and want, to see their husbands taking initiative in this area.
I know this list as by no means exhaustive, but, from my experience, I think I hit many of the high points. But, this is where we hear from you now ladies. What do you want from us guys? Enlighten us!
Walk good. Live wise. Be blessed.
Josh
Apologetic Wednesday: God Loves You…But…
0March 27, 2013
For God so loved the world…BUT… you had better not do certain things or the deal is off. God loves you, but you better not be homosexual. God loves you, but you had better not fornicate. God loves you, but you had better not judge people. God loves you, but you had better not ________ (lie, cheat, steal, etc).
During a recent conversation, this line of thought was presented as rationale for distrusting God or doubting His credibility. “God says that He loves all of mankind, but then He puts limits on our behaviors and judges us for them. That doesn’t sound like love to me.” So is that true? Does God’s love depend on our ability to abide by the rules? Does God really communicate, “I love you…But”?
I have always found the insight of the famed Gestalt Psychologist, Fritz Perls, beneficial when he stated, “Always listen to what comes after the ‘but’.” You can learn a lot from people by listening to what comes after the “but”. You see, when but is used in a sentence it often negates or minimizes what has been previously said.
When we look at the Gospel, I don’t think we see God saying, “I love you, but.” Instead, we find that He says, “I love you, and”. John 3:16 states, “For God loved the world so much that (or and) he gave his one and only Son.” God’s love is not contingent on our behavior, if it was, none of us could ever be loved by God. Romans 3:10 reminds us, “There is no one righteous, not even one.” Yet, in spite of our twisted nature, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Does the Bible offer proscriptions on certain behaviors? Absolutely? Is His love for us based on our ability or willingness to follow these proscriptions? A resounding no. God has always loved us and will always continue to. People often misunderstand why God seeks to restrict certain moral behaviors.
Everything God commands is for humanity’s benefit. He is not a cosmic killjoy seeking to rain on our parade. Disobedience leads to problems in our lives because when we choose to sin we choose to suffer. When we cross moral boundaries we openly invite consequences. Death and destruction are always on the heels of death.
We must also point out, that just because God loves us unconditionally this does not mean that he condones our behaviors. This is how relationships work, at least healthy ones anyway. For example, I love my wife very much. There is nothing that will change how I feel about her, but there are parameters around our relationship. I will not tolerate her stepping out of our marriage to become involved with other men. Love draws boundaries or it cannot be love. To condone abusive behaviors to our relationship or to watch her abuse herself is not love.
Our behaviors have nothing to do with whether God loves us. Our behaviors have everything to do with how much we love God. I do not try and live a moral life to escape eternal suffering. My eternal destiny was sealed when I accepted what Christ did for me on the cross, turned from my sin and we became involved relationally. My desire to live a moral life has everything to do with the fact that I want a close relationship with God. I do my best to follow God’s prescriptions because I trust Him to know what is best for me.
God doesn’t say, “I love you, but.” He says, “I love you, and.” I love you, and I sent my Son to die for you. I love you, and I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I love you, and I am willing to even allow you to reject me.
While God is not pleased with my sin and may discipline me in order to turn me from destructive paths and practices, His love for me does not diminish in any degree. He gave Himself for my sins in their entirety, so that I might have His love in its entirety… Accepting this reality of God’s unchanging regard is necessary for us to make progress in the Christian life. -Bryan Chapell
Walk good. Love wise. Be blessed.
Josh
Marriage Monday: The Legs of Love
0March 25, 2013
Oh how Americans love to talk about love. Countless love songs have been penned. Numerous love stories are acted out before us on the silver screen. Many books have been written on the topic. Yet, never has one word been so abused, beat up, and perverted. Love is an accordion word, it is stretched and used in many different ways.
Love is a catch all term. People love everything from French-Fries, the latest movie, or a brand of clothing to their family or spouse. Some use the word love when they really mean lust. Thus, I love you means I really just want to sleep with you.
The word love, in its purest form, gets watered down by using it in offhanded ways. The Greeks recognized no single word could capture the many different facets of love, and so they used four different words to describe different aspects of our single word “love”. The words they used for love were: Storge, Phileo, Eros, and Agape.
It’s almost as if each of these words are pieces of the whole. That is to say, to have a complete and healthy love for one’s spouse these four different aspects of love must be present. We use these different types of love in different relationships, but only within the confines of marriage should all four be present.
Think of these four different types of love as the legs of a chair. If you are missing on leg on a chair, the chair is wobbly. If you are missing two legs, it is a balancing act to have the chair stay upright. If you are missing three legs the chair becomes dysfunctional. If you are missing four legs, you no longer have a chair. You simply have a cushion. Chairs are meant to have four legs. Marriages are meant to have four different aspects of love present. Each time a marriage loses a “leg of love” the consequences are immediately visible. Let’s take a look at the four different types of love.
Storge. This is the affection aspect of love. It is where we become familiar with another person and grow fond of having their presence in our lives. It is a basic form of love, but nevertheless it is very important. This is where the couple knows one another. It is knowing what my wife will order at just about any restaurant. It is knowing that she would rather watch television programming that involves solving crimes than a tear-jerking love story. Storge is knowing that she generally sleeps on her right side and would rather be doing something than sitting at home. It’s knowing that she can’t stay awake when she reads and that she won’t eat any meat if it is on the bone. It is appreciating the many intricacies and eccentricities that make her unique.
Phileo. This is simply friendship. It is enjoying the company of another person. Growing friendships is an art that has become lost on much of our society due to our individualistic mentality and lack of time to enjoy others. In marriage, friendship is about two people that enjoy simply being together regardless of the activity. Research has shown time and again that couples who have close friendships tend to have healthy marriages. Friendships don’t just happen, they are cultivated.
Eros. This is the romantic aspect of love. It is where we get our term “erotic”, though eros need not necessarily be sexual. Eros is the feeling of being loved or loving someone else. It is shown by doing things for the other person that pleases them simply for the sake of watching them take delight in what has been done. Eros involved leaving notes, buying gifts, giving compliments, or having a nice romp with your spouse between the sheets. Sex definitely does fall into this category, but so do many other elements. The Christian should be reminded that sex is part of a healthy marriage relationship. God created sex to be enjoyed, and couples who minimize this aspect of their relationship do their marriage a disservice. God could have created us to pollinate one another, but instead he created man with an act that serves to unite a couple both physically and emotionally. I would be curious to know how the angels responded when God pulled sex out of his back of tricks.
Agape. This is unconditional love. It is to love, as God loves, without concern of what one receives back. It does not concern itself with circumstances, only commitment. Agape endures. It doesn’t let go. Even when times are difficult it holds on. It weathers the storms and always places priority on the other person. It is selfless. It remembers that no one is perfect.
While there are times during marriage where one form of love is stronger or more visible, all four aspects of love are extremely important. There may be times when one “leg” is broken, and the couple must hobble along on three legs for a while. There may even be times where all one has is agape, the unconditional commitment, to stand on. While this isn’t ideal, or even enjoyable, it does keep a marriage intact. Yet, obviously, healthy marriages have all four legs balanced squarely on the floor.
How are the four legs in your marriage? Is your chair wobbly at all? What adjustments need to be made? Do you know your spouse as well as you should? Are you doing things to grow your friendship? Have you neglected to romance your spouse? Is your physical relationship lacking? Do you love unconditionally or do you give to get?
Walk good. Live wise. Be blessed.
Josh
Marriage Monday: Closeness Doesn’t Just Happen
2March 18, 2013
“I hope we have a marriage like that one day.” I have heard people utter phrases like this countless times while watching another couple interact romantically. Upon seeing an older couple holding hands in public, couples will often say, “I hope we still hold hands when we are there age.” The question at the present however is, are you investing now in your marriage? Are you holding hands together now when you walk through the mall? If you aren’t investing in the relationship in the present, then it will never grow to where you want it.
Closeness within a marriage doesn’t just happen, it is cultivated. You don’t have a great marriage without putting serious work into it. You don’t get an amazing marriage by putting little into it, but you can get a really crummy marriage that way.
Hoping for a good marriage does little for your actual marriage. Dreaming about moonlight walks on the beach while holding hands has no impact on your marriage. To reap the benefits of a wonderful marriage you have to sow daily investments.
So how does one cultivate closeness? There are hundreds of different ways, and they are different for everyone. But at the core of growing closer with your spouse is talking together, dreaming and planning together, spending time with one another, being willing to overlook one another’s humanness, and reminding each other of the love you share. That seems pretty intuitive I know, but often couples ignore all of what should seem obvious.
How can two people draw closer if they don’t spend much time talking? This is one of the biggest ways you learn about your spouse. Every couple should sit time aside to simply talk and enjoy hearing about the other person’s day. It’s important to remember that talking also involves listening.
What dreams does your spouse have? Do you know? It is hard to support their dream if you don’t know what it is. It’s possible that you both have similar dreams. How can you support and encourage one another? What do you both hope to accomplish? Dreaming together about what your mission is as a couple does much to cultivate closeness in a marriage.
How much time do you spend with your spouse? There are so many distractions: work, kids, things to do around the house, working out, family, friends, church, and the list could go on. Yet, if you are not cultivating a relationship with your spouse all of these other things take on a limited meaning. If you don’t have a positive marriage it affects your children. Problems at home are carried to work. When a relationship begins to drift into a negative place an incredible amount of energy is spent trying to salvage and repair it and all of the other areas fall by the way side. Maintaining your marriage makes it easier to maintain other areas in life. Spend time with your spouse. Be proactive in blocking out time. You really have to fight for it at times, because if you have an open block of time there is always something or someone ready to fill it.
Couples that grow the closeness in their marriage are good about ignoring facets of their spouse’s humanness. Let’s face it. You married someone that was broken. You, yourself are broken. When you take two broken people and put them in the same house you can expect problems to arise. Yet, we will do well to remember that while some issues must be addressed, there are plenty of things we have to be willing to just over look. Pick the battles. If you nag and nitpick about every little thing that displeases you then you are providing a breeding ground for bitterness to take root. When people feel that can’t do anything right they often feel inclined to stop trying.
Close couples also remind one another daily that they care for each other. Recently, we bought “bath tub crayons” for our little boy to enjoy when he takes a bath. He does his two year old interpretation of Van Gogh on our shower wall. My wife and I have had more fun with those crayons than he has. Every time one of us showers we draw a picture or leave a note for the other on the shower wall. Cheesy? Probably. But who cares? It’s a silly way that we are both reminded that we care for one another. There are times where showing how much you care is done in a big way like flowers or dinner, but then there are the little ways like drawing on the shower wall. I think showing that you care is less about what you do and more about simply doing. It takes little time to send a text message in the middle of the day that says, “Hey, I am thinking about you.” Right? Right!
You can hope for a close marriage all you want, but you won’t have one until you start seriously investing in it.
Walk good. Live wise. Be blessed.
Josh
Marriage Monday: How To Wreck Your Marriage
0March 11, 2013
Married? Looking for the fast track to bring your wedded bliss to an untimely demise? Then look no further! We have a list here that will expedite the process of making your marriage crash and burn! Not looking to sabotage your marriage? Then pay attention to how you live and the way you think about and relate to your spouse.
Sure, many marriages end due to big issues like infidelity or abuse, but often, marriages dissolve due to a number of smaller factors that converge into major problems. Even then, not everyone divorces; they just live miserable existences under the same roof and neither of these two options is desirable.
So here we have a list of ways to ruin your marriage. So, if you want a healthy marriage, I would find it beneficial to avoid the following list:
- Overfill your schedule.
- Prioritize your children over your spouse.
- Focus on all the things your spouse does wrong.
- Believe the grass really is greener on the other side.
- Compare your spouse to other people.
- Continually sweep problems under the rug.
- Keep secrets.
- Make life about having stuff.
- Believe that “time heals all wounds.”
- Ignore the spiritual component in your relationship.
- Set unreasonably high expectations for your spouse.
- Never admit you’re wrong.
- Assume the worst about your spouse’s intentions instead of believing the best.
- Expect your spouse to read your mind.
- Live in the past or the future.
- Practice unforgiveness.
- Wish your spouse could be like someone else’s spouse.
- Throw around the word divorce whenever you’re mad.
- Focus solely on your needs and wants.
- Be distracted when talking to your spouse.
- Rely on your spouse to make you happy.
- Let your spouse continually shoulder your responsibilities.
- Demean your spouse in front of other people.
- Have poor boundaries outside your relationship (parents, friends, kids, work, etc).
- Talk about your marital problems with someone of the opposite sex.
- Assume problems will get better on their own.
- Don’t allow your spouse to influence you.
- Be critical.
- Continually go to bed angry.
- Don’t carve out time for your relationship.
- Find your “old flames” on Facebook.
- View pornography.
- Talk down your spouse to others.
- Think that your marriage is the only one with problems.
- Bring up past mistakes that have been settled.
What are some other ways to ruin your marriage? What else should we avoid doing?
Walk good. Live wise. Be blessed.
Josh
